Beyond Communication Skills: Connecting Is More Important Than Correcting

Strong and effective communication skills alone won't solve your relationship problems. That's because when you go to put those skills to use you may indeed slide  into old patterns that are run by emotions. The old patterns take over and you may find yourself right back where you started or even worse - feeling more hopeless and frustrated than ever.

Before trying to apply communication skills, ask yourself this question, "is my strongest intention to correct and change their behavior?"

Be honest with yourself because whenever our strongest intention is to change someone else we will meet resistance.I remember working with a group of parents when suddenly one of the parents said, "I just realized why none of those communication skills I was using were working with Jeremy. I thought that correcting this is more important than connecting!" There was a long silence and you could've heard a pin drop on the carpeted floor as those words resonated with every single parent there.Of course  some correction and guidance is in necessary and even helpful when delivered with the intention of helping and guiding people to develop skills and abilities and to resolve problems - especially if you are a parent a boss, a manager, or a teacher. 

You might say it's even your job to correct others. You might also have noticed, however, the desire to correct your spouse or your parents or your friends and colleagues. The desire to correct others often creates the biggest problems we have in relationships. The problems arise when we focus primarily on what's wrong and on fixing someone else and correcting their behavior without connecting with them and trying to find out how they got themselves into that situation in the first place.You will find people much more responsive to your suggestions for correction if you connect with them first and set your intention to guide them to a resolution that works for everyone. Remember, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

Connect with people when things are going well and you will find them much more open to your suggestions when things are not working. And most of them important of all remember: connecting is more important than correcting. When you start with the intention to connect first the communications skills that you have learned are far more likely to be effective.