“Children need to know that our love and support of who they are is unconditional. If they have to spend all of their time and energy trying to figure out what they must do to earn our love, they can never trust themselves just to be themselves and they lose their connection with their inner self - with the light of who they are.”*
What do you think of when you think of love? Some people say they love their cars; some love their work; and some love you only when you’re doing what they want you to do. They love you when there is no discord, no hurt, no disappointment etc.
That kind of “love” is a nightmarish game of hide and seek... “Let me hide away all of my big, bad, uncomfortable emotions while I seek your ‘love’ and approval…because I’ve learned that I can’t have your love and approval when I experience these horrible emotions... so let me shove them deep down inside of me and cover them up so that no one will ever see them.”And then I swallow them like a burning lump of coal. And I lock the door on those emotions and pretend that they aren’t there burning a hole in my gut. Oh, it is so uncomfortable if I think about them... so I seal them away even more tightly and try to convince others that ‘nothing bothers me... I certainly never get angry... my emotions are under complete control.’
And as I get older, I learn to play this game of hide and seek with other people in my life - especially with those whom I am most intimate. It’s a scary game really, because ultimately, more than anything else in the world, I want to truly connect with those closest to me. However, I can only feel that connection when things are going really well... when I am experiencing all of the ‘right’ emotions. When uncomfortable emotions arise it threatens that connection, and it is so painful that sometimes I think it would be better not to seek that connection any more.
Yet the desire to connect follows me everywhere.
What I really need is to know that I can still stay connected with you even when I experience these uncomfortable emotions. I need to know that you will love me even when I am angry, sad, hurt, or disappointed. I need to know that you love me even when you are angry, sad, hurt, or disappointed - that you love me unconditionally... that no matter what happens, you will still love me.”
Unconditional love is like the sun - it is always there, behind the clouds. We come to trust that it is still shining, even when we can’t see it. When we understand that it will never stop shining, we don’t worry or panic when the clouds roll in... We just let them roll over us.
When children know their parents love and support them, no matter what, it is safe for them to experience all that life has to offer. They learn to handle all of their emotions because they don’t have to make any of them wrong. They don’t have to stuff their anger deep inside and hope that no one sees it. When they never lose their sense of connection with their parents, they know it’s okay to be angry. Their parents do not punish them by withdrawing love. The anger is just a cloud - perhaps a thunder cloud, but they know that it will pass and the sun will shine again.
Unfortunately, parents often consider it their primary duty to control and correct their child’s behavior, and mold their child into who they believe he should be. In order to mold and shape children, parents have dealt out punishment and reward for generations (and have even been instructed to do so by various parenting programs). This has created no end of suffering for both parent and child.Punishment and reward damage relationships and destroy self esteem... and withdrawing love to punish, or using love as a reward for good behavior is the most damaging punishment and reward system of all.Yet, this is a parenting pattern that has been passed down for generations. Don’t blame your parents or guilt trip yourself if you have been caught in this pattern. Parents do the best they can with the tools they have. Most parents don’t know how to discipline children without punishment and reward… and discipline IS essential.So the question now is, do you want to learn new tools to discipline your child in ways that help her develop strength and skill to deal with life’s challenges – and let her know you love her unconditionally – even when times are rough? If so, here are a few steps that may help you along your journey:
Begin by giving up the desire to control your child and learn to set guidelines that encourage her to control herself… and she will learn self-discipline, respect, and responsibility.
Commit to deepening the love and appreciation you feel for your child. Each and every day set your intention to discover new things to appreciate about your child.
Remind yourself that mistakes truly are for learning and celebrate the learning opportunity they provide. Help your child redirect her energy to make amends if appropriate.
Contemplate: “Connecting is more important than correcting!” The only real authority or influence you have with your child is that which she gives you... and she gives that to you based on the connection and trust she feels with you. Be Present and connect lovingly with her in your day to day encounters.
Become genuinely curious about your child. Rather than thinking of him as a tiny human you need to mold into a bigger human, look from your soul into his soul and watch with great appreciation as his life unfolds. See the soul inside your child shining. Send your love to that light and rejoice in the connection.
Open your heart and mind to new ways of guiding your child along on this earthly journey. Seek out books, classes, and conferences that will help you crack the old parenting mold and parent your child through unconditional love. (*Excerpt from “9 Ways to Bring Out the Best in You & Your Child”)
