“Life is where I put my attention.”  I read that statement in a book by Richard Bach many years ago and I still reflect on it daily.  It carries such power and resonance!If we want to change our life, to improve our relationship with our child or anyone else, all we have to do is shift our attention.  Sounds simple doesn’t it? I thought so – and boy was I surprised! Shifting attention means changing deeply engrained patterns of thought and behavior. I am continually noticing thoughts and emotions, and re-directing my life energy…What DO I think about?  How AM I feeling right now?  What am I saying? How am I acting? What am I looking for in this situation?  What am I expecting my child to do? What do I focus on in my child’s behavior?

If you’re like many of us, you may find that you focus much of your attention on your child’s acting out behavior… not just at the moment of acting out, but in your mind later… thinking about it and getting riled up about it again and again.  Many parents write horror novels inside their head about what will happen if they can’t stop the behavior. Then of course, they are ready to blow their stack at the least provocation from their child, giving him intense attention for acting out.  Then they unwittingly end up creating more of the same behavior because that’s what they’re geared up to see and that’s what their child responds to. 

All children – all human beings - seek belonging and connection and, even if the strongest connection is a current of negativity, they will subconsciously act out again just to get that belonging and connection!So how do we undo this vicious cycle we may have created?  Figuratively, take a step back from the camera lens in your life and take a look at the big picture.  I once heard it said that we take in less than 3% of the information that is available to us at any one time. 

So how do we decide what we shall take in at any given moment?  The story we have formulated about life, about who we are and who other people are in our life, contributes to what we choose to perceive in any given moment.If you don’t like what you are seeing and experiencing, change your story.  What roles are you most attached to and what are your requirements of yourself in each role? Do you focus on your inadequacies in that role? Are you so attached to being a great “Mom” or “Dad” that it is creating havoc in your relationship with your child?  If you have stringent requirements for yourself in your role, chances are good that there are stringent requirements for the chief secondary players in your story – your children and spouse, or whoever else fills a role of chief secondary player.Much conflict comes from insisting that the secondary players in our life story play out the role that we assign them. (Perhaps we forgot that they have their own life story!)As we focus on correcting others to suit our role, misery presides.If you’re feeling guilty as you are reading this, let it go! 

Guilt is just a way that we pay for our right to hold onto whatever we feel guilty about.  Punishing ourselves (guilt!) pays for the “crime” and gives us the right to keep doing it.  Now if you’re feeling guilty about feeling guilty… well you know, let it go!Turn your attention to what you want to create and stop reacting to what you don’t want. Make it a practice to notice the moments when your relationship with your child is loving and flowing.  Feed those moments more juice.  Rev them up.

• Remember that our greatest strength is likely our greatest weakness. Societal consciousness has trained us to seek out weaknesses. So you’re probably aware of weaknesses (yours, your child’s, and other secondary players in your story). Often what is seen as a “weakness” in a child is viewed differently in an adult. “Stubborn” becomes “persistent,” “lazy” becomes “laid back and relaxed,” being “bossy” turns into “good delegating.” You get the picture. Now instead of putting your attention on the trouble that is caused by the trait, see if you can find something to appreciate about the flip side of the troublesome trait. Help your child to understand that he can make that trait work for him – if he uses it in the right way, under the right circumstances. There is an entertaining story in 9 Ways to Bring Out the Best in You & Your Child that clearly demonstrates how to work with this concept. Basically, the mother helps her “stubborn” child to see his persistence and his clear choice of what he wants in life as an asset. That is, IF… “If what Mom?” “IF you learn when to persist and when to let go!” Now the stage is set for learning as the boy wants to know how to make life work for him. We all do!

• Become more curious about your child’s life story. How does he see himself? Where is he putting his attention in life? Vow to make life more of an adventure. Let go of the stringent requirements you’ve set for yourself and others. Give up trying to sculpt the secondary characters to your liking. Let go of the clearly formulated ideas of the parts the players will play, and join in the wonder and adventure as you allow your life story – and theirs - to unfold.

You are responsible for what you create in your life.  Set your intention to bring out the best in you and your child, and then focus your attention on noticing and enjoying it when it’s happening. Ease up on correcting, and focus in on connecting! 

Are you so caught up in building for the future that the life you live right now is exhausting you?  Right now is all there is… let your children remind you that THIS is your moment of creation!Living and working with children is indeed a journey to self mastery and self discovery! For years I dedicated my life energy to excavating the caverns of my soul in a never-ending search to know more, know why, reveal my flaws and lay them wide open so that I might fix them and understand how I could have developed the habits that didn’t serve me well.It seemed only natural then, that if I wanted to help my children be all that they could be that I should help them to fix and manage their flaws... digging ever deeper to know those flaws more intimately, believing that somehow at the bottom of it all lay the key to changing them so that they could live a happy, successful life.I suspected that this was perhaps NOT working as well as I intended from the resistance it created in my children!  Their resistance sent me searching for parenting methodologies and philosophies that taught me to shift my approach to finding their assets, their gifts, and appreciating them. That helped a lot but my focus was still on searching and discovering who I was, who they were. As I was writing the Guidebook for Neale Donald Walsch’s book Communion with God, a sentence caught my attention. It’s simplicity and depth resounded deeply into my Being.

“Life is not a process of discovery; it is a process of creation.”

We are not here to find ourselves; we are here to create ourselves!  How liberating! I had a vision of walking along a sandy beach filled with people bustling about.... busy, busy, busy, digging and digging.  Some had dug HUGE underground caverns and elaborate tunnels and still they were straining to dig more, dig faster.I wanted to know what was going on and so stopped someone to talk. She was obviously quite irritated by my interruption but dutifully waited to hear my question.  “What’s going on?” I began.  “What’s everyone doing here?”

“Don’t you know?” she replied incredulously... “This is life’s most important excavation here... I’m surprised you’re not here yourself.  Anyone with any depth of thinking is here.”

“But what are you DOING here?”  I persisted.

“Why we are looking for the meaning of life... we are searching to find ourselves!”

“But why?” I queried. Exasperation flickered across the face of the woman in front of me, but held captive by an inner obligation to “be polite,”  she answered slowly and evenly – as if speaking to a very young child, a very old person, or to someone who didn’t understand English.  “Why we all need to find ourselves dear!  How else can we discover who we are?  How else can we find our faults and fix them?”

I looked around at the giant mounds of sand, at the extravagant tools & machinery the people had developed to help them dig, at their grim faces and rigid bodies. I thought about their resolute determination to “get to the bottom of it all and discover themselves,” and suddenly I saw the folly of my own desperate search to find myself and to discover who I am... and I began to laugh.

The lady with whom I spoke was quite taken aback.  Her eyes flashed with defiance and her voice crackled with annoyance, “What are you laughing about?” she snapped.

“I’m sorry,” I replied, “I am not laughing at you, but at myself, for I see my own life reflected in all of your hard work. I see how much energy I have expended, digging deeper and deeper into myself, trying to fix my flaws; grimly trying to create structures that would, I thought, eventually make me happy… yet I have missed the joy of actually digging and playing in the sand! I haven’t stopped to enjoy the process of creating… and  life is really ALL about what we create!  I mean, look at what you have created here!”

When we are children we revel in wonder at the sand that is so pliable and fun to play with; we squeal with delight as our bucket of water soaks into the fine sand and forms lovely moats around our castles; we soak up the warmth of the sun on our skin and marvel at the creations that we have made... knowing that in time they too shall dissolve once again into the sandy beach from whence they came... to provide yet another opportunity for us to build.

Suddenly I am filled with the glorious realization that the beach is here, not for us to dig endlessly into the depths of the sand searching for the key to a happy life; the beach is here to provide a playground within which we can create whatever we want, however we want. And of course, the greatest teacher when it comes to building sand castles is the child within each and every one of us.

What do the sandcastles and tunnels you’ve built in your life look like?  Are you happy with them?  Do you enjoy the very act of creating them... or have you worked grimly to create structures you hope will one day make you happy? Have your tunnels and passages been built through your determination to lay open and fix your faults... and your children’s as well?  If so, do not beat yourself up about it... that’s just another tunnel! 

The time to start creating what you want in your life is right now.  Truly, there is no other time than right now.  Focus on creating what you want and enjoy the act of creation itself. Let your children, the masters of sand castle enjoyment, be your teachers! You’ll be surprised how quickly what you don’t want falls away in your life. 

Children and teens are experts at pressing their parents’ buttons.  Most of them have honed their button-pressing skills over the span of their lifetime – for some of them, it may be their greatest and most cherished accomplishment!  And, if you’re like most parents, including myself, you probably “lose it” on occasion.  And you probably feel guilty later… and then lose it again, and so on.  It becomes an established pattern, but guilt-tripping ourselves about it is not helpful. In fact, guilt keeps the pattern going because it makes us feel bad and stresses us out even more, and so we blow again.So how does one break this pattern?  First, stop and really recognize the toll it takes on you and your children.  During one of our 9 Ways to Bring out the Best in You and Your Child  Leadership Training sessions, two facilitators were exploring the concept of punishment verses effective discipline. 

In a staged demonstration, suddenly, one of the facilitators blew up at a participant.  “Sherry!  How many times have I told you to quit talking!  Now you get to your room, right now!  I’m tired of these interruptions,” she bellowed and hauled Sherry up off the couch and down the hall to her room.Now I knew that this was a staged demonstration from the beginning.  Yet I was not prepared for the onslaught to my nervous system.  I shook for half an hour after a surprised and shocked Sherry was hauled away.  Wow! What a reminder of how that feels, even just being in that environment and even though I was not the one being punished! Even the anticipation of the impending blow up sets children into a state of guardedness and tension. So what can we do instead to keep our cool in the heat of the moment?1. The first step is to notice.  Become more aware of what’s happening inside your body, in your emotional and mental systems, on a regular basis, so that you can begin to notice when you are ready to blow.  At first, you will probably blow before you notice your emotions are building.  That is okay. Celebrate that you have noticed and stop. If need be, yell, “Run!” and let your children clear out of there! Don’t tell yourself you can’t stop.  If the phone rang or your neighbour appeared at the door, you would get a handle on your temper in a hurry. So cap it.2. Calm down. You will still have lots of e-motion (energy in motion) running throughout your body.

• Breathe deeply. Imagine you are breathing through your heart. Know that, as you do so, you are calming the heart, and the heart has the ability to calm every system in your body.

• Seek to give your feelings a name and focus on the sensations inside your body. Simply allow them to be there and stay focused in your body. Continue to breathe through your heart and avoid becoming absorbed in stories inside your head.

• To add further calm, try this Brain Gym technique: Cross your legs, cross one wrist over the other, put your palms together and interlock your fingers. Now pull your hands under, up and inward, toward your heart, hugging your arms to your body. Continue to breathe through your heart.

3. Focus inwardly and imagine you are in a peaceful place.  One way to shift your state of being to a calmer state is to inwardly ask what Dr. Monica Garaycoechea calls Creative Questions.  These are questions designed to help us tap into our natural state of wellness. 

For example, ask with child-like curiosity, “Why can I relax and allow this moment to be?  How do I feel when I am peaceful?  How have I shifted from being agitated to being peaceful?”  Take your time with each question and feel the response with your heart, allowing and accepting whatever response shows up. You don’t have to be peaceful before you ask the question; the question draws the state to you.  Try it… and if it resonates with you, you can learn more at www.creativequestions.com  (Practice feeling yourself in this place of peace on a regular basis.)

4. Make your decision on how to act from this place of peace.  It may help to bring your hands to your forehead. This draws the blood to the frontal lobes so that you can think more clearly.  Keep your vision of how you want your family to remember you at your 75th birthday firmly in mind as you make your decision to act.*Your frustrations and blow ups will likely not end immediately. Give yourself credit for the hard work you are doing in re-programming your reactions.  These internal patterns are deeply seated. 

The more you practice checking inside, and relaxing and calming yourself at all times, the fewer blow ups you will experience.  Take time for yourself with yoga, meditation, work-out sessions, nature walks… anything that helps you to relax. (Yes I know, it isn’t easy to find time for yourself, but when you make time and learn to stay calm, everyone benefits and, eventually, you will save time that would otherwise be spent dealing with the fallout from the blow ups.)Don’t waste time guilt-tripping yourself. Ranting and raving inside your head will keep the same energy circulating and building!  When we ask, “Why can’t I get a handle on this?  What’s the matter with me?  How could I be such a horrible mother/father,” we receive more situations we can’t get a handle on and more evidence of what’s wrong with us.  We plunge into helplessness at the horrible parent we have just made ourselves out to be!

Try the Creative Questions mentioned above instead and celebrate that you have noticed the energy building. Double celebrate if you’ve prevented the blow up!  Focus on the love you have for your children and act in accordance with how you want them to remember you.* The Family Vision Statement as outlined in 9 Ways to Bring out the Best in You &Your Child gives you specific information on how to “be the change you seek” (Ghandi) in your family and to guide your decision making from your own internal reference point. 

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder … he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.” Rachel CarsonWill you be that adult for the children in your life?  How long has it been since you connected with YOUR inborn sense of wonder?  Understandably, when buried knee deep in laundry, children’s toys and to-do lists, it can be very difficult to keep alive one’s sense of wonder, joy and excitement about the mystery of the world we live in.  Still, isn’t it that excitement, joy and wonder that makes this parenting journey worthwhile?

That excitement joy and wonder is actually what gives us fuel to blast through the trying times.  So HOW do we tap into that again, or rev it up, whatever the case may be?

How about connecting with the child inside of you?  To begin with, and to borrow George Benson’s words from his song, The Greatest Love of All, “let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.” Who better to help you connect with the child in you than the children who are closest to you?If you are fortunate enough to have young children as your teachers, take a moment to truly let them teach you how to play again.  That means letting them lead you in their play. It doesn’t mean that you organize an adult version of play for them!  Just get down on the ground and play with them.

Actually, just get down on the ground and you won’t have to worry about not knowing what to do next – as soon as a young child spots you, they’ll be crawling all over you.  Roll with it – literally and figuratively!You’ll be amazed at how much easier your days will become when you start really having fun, connecting with and learning from your child.Maybe your children are too “old” and too “cool” to be very child-like.

No problem, look around you – there are children everywhere.  The other day we were at the Center for Spiritual Living and I was delighted to find, directly in front of me, a boy absolutely filled with joy and enthusiasm for the music.  His “whoo-who(s)” ignited my own excitement and enthusiasm, and I found myself “whoo-who-ing” right along with him!

Regardless of how old your children are, remember that special connecting times relieve stress, revive both of you, and create the bond that will encourage your child to seek out your opinion, rather than turn away or hold his hands over his ears when you give it. Einstein said, “There are only two ways to look at life – one is as if nothing is a miracle, and the other is as if everything is a miracle!”  Open your eyes to the miracles around you. 

What can you find right in this moment to appreciate about yourself, your children and your world? Go on a nature walk at a young child’s pace and see the world through a child’s eyes.  Really look, hear, smell, feel and sense the world around you, as if you are encountering it for the first time. (It helps, of course, to take a young child along if you can!)Kids see everything as an adventure… putting on a sock is an adventure!  When we remember that even shopping, for example, can be an adventure, we align ourselves, not only with the wonder of life, but with our children’s natural state of curiosity.  Then they become comrades in our adventure, not adversaries to be kept in place.  On your next shopping trip, clearly set the intention that it will be a grand adventure. 

Keep your attention focused on looking for evidence of the grand adventure taking place and let go of the tension in your own body.  Intention – attention – no tension… a recipe someone shared with me recently for creating what we want. Notice how young children are SO "in the moment?"  For them, nothing else exists. 

Bringing attention into present time is another way to celebrate the child within. In The Power of Now, Eckhardt Tolle describes how most of us live our lives in the “anxiety gap” – that is, the gap between where we are in present time and where our thoughts have gone to the past, "guilt-tripping" and “should'ing” upon ourselves for past mistakes, or to the future, worrying about what will happen next.Next time you find yourself going into the anxiety gap, simply stop, congratulate yourself for noticing, and take a moment to ask yourself if there really is a problem right here in this moment. (Rarely is there a problem in the moment – mostly it’s in our mind.) 

Shift your attention to your breath, breathing deeply as you do so, and appreciate the flow of energy within your body. If there is a problem, you’ll then be centered in the present moment and much more able to focus on the solution, rather than running another one-thousand versions of the problem around in your head.

Another way to keep the child-like wonder and joy alive is to ask, “What is it that I truly love to do?  What nourishes my spirit?” and be sure to honor spirit by giving it what it wants. When I think of looking through the eyes of a child, a story from a kindergarten teacher comes to mind.  The teacher had been reading the story of Chicken Little and, when she came to the part where Chicken Little went to tell the farmer that the sky was falling, she paused, looked up, and asked the children, “What do you think the farmer said when he heard Chicken Little’s warning?”  A young boy immediately piped up, “I think he would have said, Holy S_ _ _!  A talking chicken!”  Apparently it was some time before the teacher was able to stop laughing, regain her composure, and continue with the class.