Have you had enough of not having enough… of not doing enough… of not being enough? Do you ever wonder, “How do I feel that REAL Joy anyway? Not the fake positive stuff… but the authentic joy that bubbles up and radiates warmth throughout life and relationships.

In this article you’ll discover three subconscious beliefs that keep most of us feeling unworthy, anxiety driven, or quietly (or not so quietly!) frustrated and confused. You’ll learn strategies and practice skills to help you break free from limiting beliefs so that you can experience your authentically joyful self.

1, A fundamental belief trapping most of us is that “I cannot be okay until someone/something/everything “out there” changes.” So I either wait for circumstances to change, or I try to force people and circumstances around me to change. Yikes! Now I’m in for a struggle.

STOP waiting for circumstances to change before you can feel better. Feel what you feel right now. Notice if you stay right in this moment you are okay. Practice being okay in this moment and stop trying to change anyone. The relief in that will give you a boost right away. To feel better, get better at feeling.

2, We have been conditioned to stuff our emotions. Emotions are Energy in motion… they are meant to move! When they get stuck they create dis-ease…mentally, emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. But we believe that if we let our true feelings show others will reject us…. we may even be in big trouble! So we stuff our uncomfortable emotions deep inside and try to hide them. With a whole storehouse of them stuck there, we may secretly feel that there is something so deep dark and horrible inside and if others saw it we would be abandoned. Shame keeps us stuck in the lowest vibration possible.

Shaming has been used as a tool to mould and shape children into personalities that will be accepted and approved of in our society. We become crusty and defiant or deny our emotions as we focus on projecting an acceptable image. The key to moving out of shame and to freeing ourselves from dis-ease is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel what we truly feel, and to share our honest feelings with someone who loves and accepts us. The more we honestly feel, the more we heal. Vulnerability is strength, not weakness. If I stop identifying with my image and start living from my Eternal self, what need to I have of protection? Matt Kahn tells us, “The most invincible are the most vulnerable.”

Ask yourself, “How willing am I to honestly stop and feel my true emotions?” Know that your emotions are indeed powerful, but not more powerful than you! Strengthen your sense of the “Eternal You” that notices your emotional state and feels the sensations in the body. 

3.“I’ll “figure it out” is the third belief that keeps us stuck. Because we denied our feelings when we were little and because we live in a society that reveres thought intelligence, most people believe that they will figure it out. The trouble is, the mind just keeps spinning stories that justify and twist the uncomfortable emotion, usually reinforcing our righteousness in the situation. The ego does not want to let go of our righteous position and therefore no healing can occur.

We must go beyond the mind to the emotion and to where it is held in the body. The emotion is far more powerful and acts like a magnet, holding the thoughts in circulation. If we want to be free of the uncomfortable emotion we must let it go. We cannot let it go as long as we are caught in justifying how we feel. We must truly decide that we want to be happy and free of this uncomfortable feeling more than we want to be right!

So how do we let the emotion go then? The most powerful way I know of is to feel the physical sensations in the body associated with the emotion. Give that energy permission to release.

Instead of being caught in the pain, in the turmoil, you can learn to identify with the watcher… the part of you that notices what’s happening in the body. You can learn to connect with the all-powerful light that is inside of you…the still point within…that point which is undisturbed, calm, watching from a Soul’s Eye View. You can learn to relax into that space even in the midst of chaos.

Take a moment to connect with that point right now. Go inside and simply notice what you notice. Breathe. See if you can get a sense of who – or what – is noticing. Relax into that space and allow the body to have its sensations. (75% of pain is our resistance to feeling it)The more attention you give to this space the easier it will be to connect with it and relax into it even when emotional turmoil hits.

Another way to connect with this space is to notice the quiet stillness at the top and bottom of the breath. Even though the body continues to breathe, see if you can allow that stillpoint to permeate your consciousness. This is the space of True Power. In this space you are always enough. You are in the moment. The moment is complete… and you fill it with your Presence. You will never be enough in any other moment than this one! 

You can only be Joyfully Fulfilled right here and now. “This moment is complete, and I am complete in it. I am enough!”

Do you know that acting out behavior can be minimized and joy and harmony returned to your family when you learn to play with your child? Most parents have been conditioned to focus on correcting their child's behavior... which damages the relationship and causes frustration and feelings of unworthiness.

This isn’t to say that parents don't need to set guidelines, parameters and teach children how to function effectively in all kinds of group settings. 

However, children are most likely to LISTEN if they WANT to listen.  It's like the old saying goes, "They don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." 

When we really connect with our children in the spirit of play, they know how much we care.  The only true authority parents have is that which children give them. Connecting established parents as the true authority... the natural "go to" not "run from" person in children’s lives!

If parents can just realize that connecting is more important than correcting, they will create mutual respect and harmony. Play offers the optimum opportunity to connect.

Play is also the child's optimum state of learning. There is a wonderful story in Michael Mendizza and Joseph Chilton Pearce's book entitled Magical Child Magical Parent, which exemplifies how important it is to get into the stream of play with our children to most effectively educate them. It is a story (which I may have embellished in the retelling!) of a man who decides to teach his child how to kick a soccer ball.The man's five-year old son is so excited that Dad is taking the time to play outside with him. But, when the two of them go outside, the child doesn't want to kick the soccer ball. In a state of pure play, he wants to pounce on the ball, roll with the ball, LICK the ball, but he doesn't want to kick the ball!  His exasperated father grows increasingly impatient with his son. After all, he brought him outside to teach him how to kick the ball. What will the other soccer moms and dads think if his kid doesn't learn to kick?

The authors of the book point out that this child starts out this adventure in the spirit of play. One-hundred percent of his attention is flowing into his business of play. He is in his optimum learning state. However, as he senses his dad's impatience and annoyance, he starts to transfer some of his attention to his dad. After all, this adult means everything to him, and he doesn't want to make him angry. So now a good portion of his attention is transferred to pleasing Dad. The boy learns to try to kick the soccer ball for his dad. But Dad has missed the opportunity to truly connect and play with his child. There will be other opportunities for Dad to get onside with his son and play. But Dad has to break through his own conditioning and expectations and choose to see the value and joy in connecting with his son.

The joy and the value of connecting are priceless. When we can join with our child in this state of optimum learning we can gradually lead him to learn the valuable skills that we have to teach, and then we all gain so much! Few adults had parents who taught in this manner and most of us feel awkward and inadequate with this concept. The good news is, it's never too late to learn and, luckily, if you are a parent, grandparent or involved aunt or uncle, you have a willing teacher - your child.

Next time your child is playing, allow yourself to simply become curious about the play consciousness that she is in. Ask her if you can join her and remember to let her lead! Stay open and curious about the process and do everything you can to simply stay in the moment and share her world respectfully. Match her body language and see what you can learn from it. If you hear your inner critique pulling you away from the situation, insisting that there are “more important matters to take care of,” or telling you how silly this is, simply ask yourself if that inner critic is helping you or hurting you in your overall life plan.If you are experiencing behavior problems with your child, it may just be that your child is crying out for this kind of real connection. 

Studies out of the University of Washington indicate that parents that spend 15 minutes a day engaged in this state of play with their child substantially decrease a wide range of behavioral and learning problems.

Don’t think that the only time you can play with your children is when they are young!  As George Bernard Shaw says, "We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing!" In my Playshops I have seen moms and daughters of all ages connect through play, in ways they hadn’t thought possible. Here we have an opportunity to suspend our busy and cluttered adult agenda and absorb the free flow state of play that our child naturally experiences if we don’t interfere.  It is a state of being that can be life enhancing for all.

Do yourself and your child a favor for life and resolve to suspend your busy schedule long enough to playfully connect with your child every day. It’s a great way to have fun together , relieve stress and build memories that last a lifetime!

In this age of hyper-parenting, many parents feel pressured to MAKE SURE their child succeeds.  Parents want children to get good grades, make great friends, and have every opportunity to be the next Tiger Woods.  Consequently, we schedule them into numerous activities, struggle through homework assignments with them, and smooth out the social wrinkles for them.Do we receive the thanks we think we deserve in doing so? Not usually.  Instead, we find ourselves trapped in power struggles, exhausted from taxiing them from one activity to another, and wishing there was some way to create the harmonious family life we so long for.Before you get swept up in the whirlwind of social and school, or pre-school, expectations  STOP and take a step back, and then ask yourself what is truly most important to you and your child.

• What do you think has more impact on your child’s life and yours – your child’s grades, or the quality of relationship you have with your child? Many parents tear their relationship with their child apart by pushing too hard for the almighty “A.” The greatest influence on your child’s self-esteem AND success in life is the quality of relationship you have together.

• Where do you draw the line when it comes to extracurricular activities? When do they enhance your lives and when do they detract from it? Recognize the importance of “free time.” Children’s stress is a growing health concern. Kids need time to kick back, relax, and play on their own. Be selective about organized activities and be sure they support your child’s passion – not yours!

• How will your child develop the inner strength, persistence, and inner discipline to thrive in life? The following story holds the key to this question:

A boy from India was studying under a Master to learn of life’s secrets.  One day, this boy found a cocoon and ran excitedly to tell his Master of his find.  “How can I learn from this, Master?  What should I do?”

The Master said to the boy, “Simply observe. Watch carefully as the butterfly emerges.  Do nothing else; simply watch.”The boy ran back to the cocoon and watched and watched.  Eventually, he noticed a long thin crack developing throughout the length of the cocoon.  He waited excitedly as he saw one hairy leg push its way through the crack, then another, and another.  Slowly, one wing broke away from the cocoon, and then another leg.  But now the butterfly appeared to be stuck.  Struggle as it may, the second wing clung stubbornly to the inside of the cocoon.  The boy, unable to endure the anxiety of watching the butterfly’s struggle, reached in and freed the wing, pulling the butterfly out.The butterfly fluttered into the air, then spiraled down to the earth.  It was unable to fly.  The boy ran to his teacher saying, “Master, something is terribly wrong!  It was exciting watching the butterfly come out of the cocoon, but now it can’t fly. What happened?”“Are you sure you only watched?” queried the Master.“

Well, I did help it a little,” explained the boy.  “It was having so much trouble that I reached in to pull it out.”It is difficult to watch the struggle,” explained the Master, “but when you reached in to pull the butterfly out, you denied it the opportunity to strengthen its own wings. That is why it can’t fly.”As you watch your children face their challenges in the year ahead, certainly Be Present for them. Be their coach, their mentor, their confidante… but do NOT take responsibility for their challenges!  Remind yourself that their challenges are there to help them develop inner strength.  You can best help your child by seeing the strength within them and appreciating their challenges as growth opportunities.   Empathize with them, recognize their frustration and their struggle, and offer guidance if they ask.Create abundant opportunities for young children to increase their responsibilities and to figure things out for themselves.Let your school aged children take responsibility and set up a plan to handle their homework!

Ask your child:

• What time is best to tackle homework? Be prepared to accept the time that she chooses. You may think right after school is best, but she may need to take a break and tackle it later. Let the situation play itself out and be prepared to experiment to find the right time. Remain curious and accepting of your child’s decisions.

• Where is the best place to do homework? Encourage your child to set a regular time and place for homework, but remember to be flexible! You may not think that music or background noise is helpful, but some people concentrate best with background noise. Studies show that, set to 60 beats per minute, Baroque music enhances learning. Allow your child to experiment and decide for himself what works best for him.

• What else is needed to complete homework? Does she need extra help from a teacher or a tutor? Encourage her to go to the teacher or friends and ask for help. With younger children you may want to go with them and set up a plan with the teacher. Many parents feels lots of pressure from school to “teach” their child new skills. If this is the case speak to your teacher, find out why they aren’t learning the skills in school, and ask that they only send home practice work that your child can handle.

• What can you do to help them stick to their plan? Work side by side with your child and do your work- reading, writing, banking, etc. This creates an atmosphere that is conducive to learning and helps wean children who have depended upon you to do their work in the past.

Encourage your kids to make more mistakes this year and to learn from them!  As you support them in taking responsibility for their own lives, they will be stronger, power struggles will diminish and you will be stronger.  Your family life will be far more harmonious! 

“Life is where I put my attention.”  I read that statement in a book by Richard Bach many years ago and I still reflect on it daily.  It carries such power and resonance!If we want to change our life, to improve our relationship with our child or anyone else, all we have to do is shift our attention.  Sounds simple doesn’t it? I thought so – and boy was I surprised! Shifting attention means changing deeply engrained patterns of thought and behavior. I am continually noticing thoughts and emotions, and re-directing my life energy…What DO I think about?  How AM I feeling right now?  What am I saying? How am I acting? What am I looking for in this situation?  What am I expecting my child to do? What do I focus on in my child’s behavior?

If you’re like many of us, you may find that you focus much of your attention on your child’s acting out behavior… not just at the moment of acting out, but in your mind later… thinking about it and getting riled up about it again and again.  Many parents write horror novels inside their head about what will happen if they can’t stop the behavior. Then of course, they are ready to blow their stack at the least provocation from their child, giving him intense attention for acting out.  Then they unwittingly end up creating more of the same behavior because that’s what they’re geared up to see and that’s what their child responds to. 

All children – all human beings - seek belonging and connection and, even if the strongest connection is a current of negativity, they will subconsciously act out again just to get that belonging and connection!So how do we undo this vicious cycle we may have created?  Figuratively, take a step back from the camera lens in your life and take a look at the big picture.  I once heard it said that we take in less than 3% of the information that is available to us at any one time. 

So how do we decide what we shall take in at any given moment?  The story we have formulated about life, about who we are and who other people are in our life, contributes to what we choose to perceive in any given moment.If you don’t like what you are seeing and experiencing, change your story.  What roles are you most attached to and what are your requirements of yourself in each role? Do you focus on your inadequacies in that role? Are you so attached to being a great “Mom” or “Dad” that it is creating havoc in your relationship with your child?  If you have stringent requirements for yourself in your role, chances are good that there are stringent requirements for the chief secondary players in your story – your children and spouse, or whoever else fills a role of chief secondary player.Much conflict comes from insisting that the secondary players in our life story play out the role that we assign them. (Perhaps we forgot that they have their own life story!)As we focus on correcting others to suit our role, misery presides.If you’re feeling guilty as you are reading this, let it go! 

Guilt is just a way that we pay for our right to hold onto whatever we feel guilty about.  Punishing ourselves (guilt!) pays for the “crime” and gives us the right to keep doing it.  Now if you’re feeling guilty about feeling guilty… well you know, let it go!Turn your attention to what you want to create and stop reacting to what you don’t want. Make it a practice to notice the moments when your relationship with your child is loving and flowing.  Feed those moments more juice.  Rev them up.

• Remember that our greatest strength is likely our greatest weakness. Societal consciousness has trained us to seek out weaknesses. So you’re probably aware of weaknesses (yours, your child’s, and other secondary players in your story). Often what is seen as a “weakness” in a child is viewed differently in an adult. “Stubborn” becomes “persistent,” “lazy” becomes “laid back and relaxed,” being “bossy” turns into “good delegating.” You get the picture. Now instead of putting your attention on the trouble that is caused by the trait, see if you can find something to appreciate about the flip side of the troublesome trait. Help your child to understand that he can make that trait work for him – if he uses it in the right way, under the right circumstances. There is an entertaining story in 9 Ways to Bring Out the Best in You & Your Child that clearly demonstrates how to work with this concept. Basically, the mother helps her “stubborn” child to see his persistence and his clear choice of what he wants in life as an asset. That is, IF… “If what Mom?” “IF you learn when to persist and when to let go!” Now the stage is set for learning as the boy wants to know how to make life work for him. We all do!

• Become more curious about your child’s life story. How does he see himself? Where is he putting his attention in life? Vow to make life more of an adventure. Let go of the stringent requirements you’ve set for yourself and others. Give up trying to sculpt the secondary characters to your liking. Let go of the clearly formulated ideas of the parts the players will play, and join in the wonder and adventure as you allow your life story – and theirs - to unfold.

You are responsible for what you create in your life.  Set your intention to bring out the best in you and your child, and then focus your attention on noticing and enjoying it when it’s happening. Ease up on correcting, and focus in on connecting!